Michael Fallon's Call to Restrain Immigrants

"large numbers of migrant workers and foreign people claiming benefits should be subject to some form of restraint"

Let's start with Jews, like me. My grandparents are immigrants - perhaps Fallon could find a nice camp for me and my family to move it to? Then maybe he should consider restraining all the Afro-Caribbeans who were asked to come over after WW2 - they could join my family in the restraining centre. How about the Ugandan Asians - plenty of room to restrain them too in our nice camp.

Maybe we should back further:

 Loads of Germans came over too in the 18thC when George 1st of Hannover became King, and hey the Queen and most of her family are Germans too when Victoria (also a German descendent) married Albert of Saxe-Coburg- surely we can fit them in to our restraining camp; along with the Duke of Edinburgh (who is Greek).

Lots of Dutch people came over in the 17th C when good King Will conquered us in 1666- we should root out all their descendants and retrain them as well. Add in the Flemings and Huguenots whilst we are at it.

When we were conquered by France in 1066 lots of French people came too, and are teh ancestors of many members of the House of Lords - so move in the camp t make room for most of our Aristocracy.

Now lets have a serious sort out - after all Britain is a Celtic name and all those Anglo-Saxons (5th C immigrants) and Norse (10th C) immigrants can fit in nicely.

Wait a minute, aren't the Celts migrants too, from Northern Europe? Surely the true Indigenous Race of Britain are Neanderthals? Yes that's it - move the whole population into Fallon's nice camp and leave Britain to the Neanderthals - job done! Fallon can then be Prime Minister

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Just thought it worthwhile to check the latest stats - In the year ending March 2014 (provisional) the total number of immigrants arriving from the EU was 131k, and 162k came from outside the EU. In the same year 50k Brits left for good, giving a net inward figure of 243k, which is what the headline writers are making a fuzz about.

This figure of 243k includes Brits coming home, which in 2012 (last year for which we have reliable figures) was 81k, so we have to re-use that figure. I assume that UKIP do not classify Brits coming home as unwanted migrants. As we do not know whether these Brits coming home were from in or outside the EU, lets just apportion them ratio-metrically. These figures are round to nearest 1000 people.

EU inward (less Brits) = 94,000

Rest of the world inward (less Brits) = 117,00

Balanced by 50,000 Brits leaving for ever

So whilst free movement of citizens within the EU (a freedom that I will defend, as I use it myself to work in Europe) did contribute to population growth, leaving the rest of the world, rather than the EU would have more impact on net inward migration.