Leave the EU for Constipation

In my most recent debate with UKIP I presented my opponent, East Midlands MEP Derek Childs with a dodgy dossier. It contained all the paperwork I had to fill out to export some apparatus to the USA. The equipment in question is a specialist device used to measure the elasticity of skin known as the Linear Skin Rheometer (LSR), and it has been used by cosmetic companies to evaluate the effectiveness of skin moisturisers, pharmaceutical companies to test the efficacy of medicated bandages for older people prone to skin tears, and in fundamental research in support of potential tissue engineering therapies. So it is clearly a VIP, at least Customs & Excise think so.
As the apparatus was sent on loan, I had to apply for a UK passport for it, known as a Controlled Export Procedure. Having proved that the LSR was British the passport duly arrived and was included in the Airway Bill Pouch. The USA has one of the most secure borders, for goods at least, in the world. So a British Passport for dumb equipment is not enough. Along with it I had to include 4 copies of a standarised invoice, declaration of country of manufacturer, and a statement of its harmonised code. Also required were some very intimate details, a description of the LSR in terms of height, length, breadth and size; which goes far further than the data required for a Human British Passport.
During its vacation the LSR developed a fault, and a part was returned for repair. Not an easy process as it was deemed to be an illegal immigrant! I had to apply for a Visa for it to temporarily enter Britain for TLC, using Inward Processing Relief – which has nothing to with constipation. When the illegal immigrant left Britain to the USA, I had to inform the authorities. Finally it all come home. I had to alert Border Patrols in advance to look out for this British return; which they duly did, examined its passport which was cancelled and the LSR was allowed entry to the UK. I dread to think what happened on the 4 occasions it passed through American Customs, but foreign countries have their own social mores, culture and bureaucracy.
Needless to say this is a not a pain free process. In all the LSR crossed 8 Borders during its vacation, and each crossing cost money and time.
To send an LSR anywhere in the EU requires only 1 piece of official documentation. It is called a postage stamp, you lick it and stick it to the outside of the parcel.
Derek seemed disinterested in my woes, he would not even look at the paperwork. Yet it is this burden of horrendous and costly red-tape that he, UKIP, and many Conservatives want to impose on Britain's businesses. If they have their way not only will our export costs to our biggest trading partner go through the roof, we would be outside of the new USA-EU Free Trade Area.
Derek's response was to re-open the Commonwealth Preference and trade with Australia! Australia however have the worlds 3rd largest market on their doorstep, China, and the major economies of Japan and Far East to deal with. They have also gone on record as wanting the UK to remain within the EU. I think Derek should talk to the Australians first before trying to take us back to a long-lost past.
The reality is that taking the UK out of the EU will be disastrous for business, leading to a huge burden of red-tape, insolvencies and job losses.